Funny Yoga Gifts for Women Who Are Not, in Fact, at Peace
The glossies promised "Find Your Inner Calm in 10 Easy Steps!" We're offering one quiz, three diagnoses and a shirt.
Buying a gift for the yoga woman in your life is a trap. She already owns the mat. She owns the strap, the block, and a water bottle with a personality. She has a drawer of candles from people who heard the word "yoga" and panicked.
She also doesn't want another gift that suggests she relax. She's over 40. She has been told to relax by experts, and it has never once helped.
The checkout-aisle magazines would tell you to get her something "serene." We have a better idea. Find out what's really going on behind that peaceful little smile, and then buy the shirt that says it out loud.
Take the quiz on her behalf. Be honest. She's not reading this. She's in a five-minute hold, thinking about an email.
The Quiz
How Enlightened Is She, Really?
Five questions. No pencil required. Keep track of her A's, B's and C's.
1. The teacher says "set an intention." She thinks:
A. "Don't let my knee make that noise again."
B. "I intend to get through Thanksgiving without a felony."
C. "I intend to run this place by spring."
2. Her favorite pose is:
A. Lying down, technically.
B. Whichever one lets her face the wall so nobody talks to her.
C. Warrior. Obviously. She doesn't see why this is a question.
3. Someone puts a mat six inches from hers in an empty room. She:
A. Assumes they want to borrow her ibuprofen.
B. Breathes in for four, out for four, and begins plotting.
C. Says it directly, to their face, kindly. They move.
4. At the end of class, everyone says "namaste." She says it:
A. From the floor. She'll get up in a minute. Give her a minute.
B. Through her teeth.
C. Like she means it, and also like she's keeping notes.
5. Her practice has taught her:
A. That the floor is farther away than it used to be.
B. That rage can be held for five long breaths.
C. That being quiet was never the same as agreeing.
Mostly A's
The Reluctant Stretcher
She came for the flexibility. She stayed for the part where you lie down.
She loves yoga in the way you love a difficult relative. It's good for her, it shows up every week, and it keeps pointing out things about her hamstrings. Her practice happens in the living room more often than the studio, and the dress code is whatever she slept in.
Give her something that agrees the whole thing is a work in progress. A shirt admitting that flexibility is a short-term rental. A tee for the woman who has done yoga in pajamas and has no regrets. A little loading screen for the enlightenment that's coming any day now, assuming the wifi holds.
Mostly B's
The Calm Before Her
She does yoga so that you may continue to live.
Nobody in her life understands what that mat is holding back. They see a woman breathing slowly at 6 a.m. They do not see the meeting she's breathing about. Her practice is not a hobby. It's a public service.
She's the one who needs her gift to speak plainly. Inner peace as crime prevention is the whole thesis. Namaste Bitches is a blessing, depending on the tone. And Get Bent works at the studio, at the grocery store, and at any family dinner where somebody brings up her weight.
Pair one with her Thanksgiving plans and watch her finally relax. Slightly. Don't push it.
Mostly C's
The Quiet Revolutionary
Her breath is steady. Her opinions are also steady.
Here's what the glossies never put on the cover: a woman who learns to sit still and stay put is not becoming more agreeable. She's getting harder to move. Women have spent a long time being told to shrink, smile and take up less room. This one has a mat with clear borders, and she'd like you to stay off it.
She doesn't want a gift that says she's tranquil. She wants one that says she's paying attention. Stillness Isn't Surrender is the shirt for the woman who breathes first and votes later. Not Here to Behave is exactly what it sounds like. Peaceful, Not Passive is a soft organic rib tank with a firm position.
If this is your woman, she may also enjoy Twist, but Don't Submit, and it's worth sending to her before you wrap anything.
Tied between all three? Congratulations, she's a woman over 40. Our Hot Flash Horoscope might explain the rest, and the Gen X holiday gift guide covers everybody else on your list.
Funny Yoga Gift FAQ
What do you get a yoga lover who already has everything?
Something about her, not about her gear. She has the props. A funny yoga shirt that sounds like her actual inner monologue is the one thing nobody else is going to buy her. If her mat is older than her car, our signature non-slip rubber mat is the splurge.
What's a good yoga stocking stuffer?
A headband. Ours are under $15 and come in looks like Punk Plaid, which is about as much zen as anyone should be expected to handle in December. See the rest in Yoga Gear.
Do your yoga shirts come in plus sizes, and when should I order?
Yes. Our unisex tees are $29.95 in every size from XS to 5XL, with free U.S. shipping. Tanks have their own fit and pricing, so check the listing. Everything is printed when you order it, so give it production time and order early.
She Doesn't Need to Relax. She Needs the Shirt.
Bold. Biting. A Little Twisted.
— MindPop Threads
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